don't let me fall

4th April 2011

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it sucks, cause this second time around i’m confused on what i did unlike before when i knew what i did.

1. the promise between us was that i would tell you when i LIKE a guy. i didnt know that it meant a guy i met for a day and got along with well and had no intentions on being something more with him. all he was was a friend and a little crush. will he always be that way? im not sure, but right now it is that way. you didnt tell me you had a tiny crush on a girl until after it happens with idk who cause you didnt say. im not comparing but its not fair. 

2. hai, i was creeping and i never lied to you. one time you asked me am i talking to anybody. i said no, that was the truth. i wasnt “talking” to anybody. i was talking as a friend to people, like how i would talk to martin, brad, sang, bruce, vinh. thats how i talked with daniel. you never asked me if there was something going on between us or had there been. therefore i never replied to the unsaid question, so i never lied about it. even if you asked me that, it would be a no because there wasnt something “going on” between us. and when you asked me if you should be worried, i said no and that was the truth because he wouldn’t even compare to you. not even close. 

3. when people joked around about me and daniel i just went along with it. giving signs to people that i was ohkay, in reality i’m not. but i was so sick of everyone asking me and told me not to worry. and the more i pretended i was, the more i felt better. joking around. its kinda like your “girlfriend”. i had no intentions with daniel at all. 

4. i hate how i look like a the bad guy once again. the only thing im guilty of was not telling you that i flirted with him on my own. i should’ve told you about him but i didnt think it would matter cause me and him didn’t do anything. the “touchy” thing that you heard we did was because martin (not blaming him either) started the whole “do you trust me game?” where you put your hand on their leg and go up close to their privates. but he only did that to daniel. and martin did that to me too. then martin squeezed my knee where you all of a sudden have a spaz attack. and thats when daniel squeezed my knee because he saw how funny it was when i freaked out. im guilty for not telling you that we flirted. but i never lied to you about this. 

5. i dont like how you’re taking all of martin or vinh’s side when they don’t know how my friendship with daniel really was. if you would just listen to me about how hurt i am, how i myself feel betrayed, and how confused i am. i talked to some people about this and they don’t feel that i deserve this. the first time around it was my fault, and i know that. but this time, i didnt lie to you. i didnt fool you. i know i had my chance to explain myself but when put on the spot i can’t find words. 

6. and mary texted me about how matt heard that all you care about is me. well guess what, all i care about is you. everyone is telling us to move on, but i can’t move on. watching you leave, i feel a part of me is missing. theres like an empty spot in my heart that can’t be filled. no matter who can make me happy it never compareds to when im with you and just you smiling makes me feel good inside. when your skin just brushes against mine gives me the butterflies now. i care about you so much and love you so much. xuan was just telling me to drop you and talk to daniel. i told her i cant drop you. they don’t understand how i feel about you. sometimes i leave class to just go into a bathroom stall and cry, and those are the days when you’re gone. i just wish something bad will happen to me so you’ll talk to me again. i really wish we could be together and you would talk to me. i wish we could be friends at the least. but it hurts too much. wishing that i can be with you when all we can be is friends hurts too much. i can’t do it. being left here when i don’t understand why you cant ask for my side of the story. im trying to tell you the truth right now. but maybe you dont want to hear it. 

7. i love you. i miss you. xoxo