April 2011
4 posts
i still can't stop
still can’t stop thinking about you
still can’t stop hoping that you’ll let me explain
still can’t stop wondering if this can work out
still can’t stop questioning when we’ll talk again
still can’t stop reminiscing on the past
still can’t stop remembering all the things that we did together
still can’t stop worrying about being yano...
it sucks, cause this second time around i’m confused on what i did unlike before when i knew what i did.
1. the promise between us was that i would tell you when i LIKE a guy. i didnt know that it meant a guy i met for a day and got along with well and had no intentions on being something more with him. all he was was a friend and a little crush. will he always be that way? im not sure, but...
doesn't make a difference.
i know it doesnt make a difference at all. but this is the only way i can get you to read something. so here it goes:
i understand why you are so frustrated, pissed off, over, and done with me. i failed to tell you about him, and i wish that i coulda went back in time to tell you about him because it would have been important to you. but to me it wasnt important. honestly (if i’m allowed to...
“It sucks that we both love each other, but we can’t be together.”
– Sammi
March 2011
7 posts
“Last time I saw you, I said that it hurt too much to loveyou. But I was wrong...”
– Hunted
you know what’s funny? i’m writing a paper about how trying to recreate the past will not bring you happiness when i’m doing that very same thing. just the thought of us being the way we used to be makes me so happy. my best days are when i’m with him, acting like we were together again. but i know i’m just hurting myself. but i can’t help it, i wish i was...
"sometimes the truth hurts"
hell yeah it does. it’s a type of pain that can’t be described. it’s like you heart just kinda stops and literally sinks into your stomach making you feel like you might throw up. it’s like that feeling when your head gets all hot and you can feel your throat clenching up. it’s when you’re blinking rapidly or just close your eyes for 5 seconds to hold back the...
are you serious right now? you're gonna do this...
oh hey, have you ever considered that i might...
yes, its true. i love you and am still in love with you. i cant prove it, but i can say it and mean it. so when you ask me why i cant yell at you or be mad at you, think about this:
i cant curse your name, i cant ignore you. i cant yell at you for hours, i cant tell you i hate you, i cant say hateful things to you. i care about your feelings. many things were my fault, and i will and am taking...
no matter what i do, what i say, or how hard i try. he wont think twice about me. letting go for good now. who am i kidding myself? im more like killing myself. just bringing back the memories and and texting him isnt gonna make him text me back.
he started giving me hope, now i have to stop giving myself hope. i hate this.
or at least i keep telling myself he doesn’t care…
February 2011
8 posts
i have to admit
i had a really good time tonight. no matter how much i’m in pain, i can’t shut myself out forever. i do have to accept that he has moved on and i need to start being me again. i need to find myself.
but all that smiling and laughing gave me a headache, an ab ache, a back ache, and a sore throat. i love my friends so much, they stick with me through thick and thin.
XUAN AND JAMES ARE...
its hard to let go, but its for the best
at least i hope. i really hope thats the case. cause i would never forgive myself if things could’ve worked out. if i could’ve fixed things. it’s really hard to end it like this. maybe something will bring us back to be at least friends in the future. but until then, i can’t do anything. he doesn’t want anything to do with me.
but i love him. someone can make those...
finally moving on..
i need a doctor, call me a doctor. i need a...
i fucking hate life.
i dont care who tells me otherwise. it sucks. making the biggest mistake sucks, being replaced sucks. caring too much sucks. not caring at all sucks. moving on sucks. not wanting to leave sucks. being sick sucks. feeling like shit sucks. crying every night sucks. hearing words that make your heart drop sucks.
fuck my life, i dont even care what happens to me.
been crying for days, ughh. why did i do this to...
OMG
OMG because it felt like the worst day everrrr! feeel like shit. but talking to him made me happy for a good 10 minutes or soo <3. saying bye made my throat tighten up, but if this will prove to him that i care about him then HELL YEAH I’LL DO IT! maybe i don’t like doing it, but if thats what he wants then he deserves what he wants.
CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS WEEEKEND OMG, COME...
January 2011
18 posts
time for me to die now. goodbye world
he forgot..):
Dear Parents,
what do you think you are trying to show by fighting like you do? a healthy family is supposed to have their parents demonstrate good values and an idea of what marriage is supposed to be like. i receive almost neither from you two. yes, you may be able to teach me SOME things. but you never even taught me about GOD. you just put me in a pew at church and expect me to understand everything that...
fyi, i do love you. sorrry if you don’t believe it. but i could never say that i hate you. never ever.
if you have anything to say to me, say it to my...
don't you dare talk to me like that.
you know what? yes i need to prove a hell of a lot to you. but honestly, i feel like you’re not even acknowledging it. even when you say you care, you really don’t. you want to live your life. so go, live it. but you want me to stand her and somehow be ohkay with that? i wasn’t ohkay with it when we were dating, and i’m not ohkay with it now.
if you say it doesn’t...
oh how i love the things you do..
hates talking through tumblr, but whatever.
ohkay since you find it annoying that i got mad at you because you did something with vanessa.
let me break it down: i made a mistake and then continued to choose to make mistakes on my own will. and i completely understand that it was my wrong doing and nobody else’s. i apologized for it sincerely and will keep on saying sorry. you have every right to be mad and i won’t blame you....
yes, i did make a huge mistake. but it certainly...
you think i’m oblivious to your pain. i know its hard for you. i know you’re dying. i know you’re crying. i know you’re in pain inside and out.i know i did you wrong beyond what you would ever imagine. i know all that. but clearly you can’t see what i understand and what i think.
but you saying that i can’t get mad at you, alright i just won’t show you...
i will say it over and over until you finally believe that it’s the truth because it is. i did not have sex with him. i know you don’t believe me, i know you don’t know what to believe. but this is the truth. and i’m not gonna say i had sex with him to make you feel “better”. because i didn’t have sex with him. i can lie to you again and say that i did,...
words can’t even describe how we feel. usually taking deep breaths helps my heart from hurting but i can’t. if i move on, maybe he will. he says he’s being really selfish, but he needs to be. he needs to do what’s best for him. I FUCKED THIS UP, NOT HIM. i threw away everything. i rushed him when he’s not ready. i couldn’t find the right words to say to him...
if you were sorry then you’d stop. so are you sorry?
if i was sorry i’d stop, and i did stop so i am sorry.
just go....
i NEED to get over him. i don’t know why its so hard, it should be simple. i wish we didn’t even become friends in the first place, none of this would’ve happened. i fucked up his name? mhmmmm, like mine isn’t. but when i see him at school, i just get those butterflies again. not the same ones as before but different. i don’t know what it is. i wish it was easier to...
but if this was a movie, you'd be here by now.
i hate being indecisive, because i don't know what...
December 2010
5 posts
SIGG
Shit I Gotta Go
woulda saved me so much trouble.
"you don't deserve the right to run away"
i think i have the right to decide on my life. that’s why i fucked up so many times, cause i was in control. it’s easier if i was a puppet but i’m not. my heart says one things and my mind says another. complete enemies, and my actions are stuck in the middle. i usually don’t swear and i usually don’t make drastic decisions, but it fucking sucks and i want to get out...
Dear GOD, please forgive me for what i have done. i know i have sinned against you, i know i have done you wrong, i know i disobeyed your commandment. i’m going to try and find myself again through you. you’re the one that here for me right now no matter what. i know you’ll never leave my side. you’re my best friend, my father, and my guider. i need you in my life and i...
i made plenty of mistakes in my lifetime
true.
but i’m going to try and not make mistakes from here on out. i know i’m going to fail sometimes and fall, but the point is to get back up. i don’t know if what i’m doing is a mistake but if i let fear stop me then i’ll never have the strength. in fact, if fear stopped everybody our human race would be pathetic. i don’t want to be pathetic. i want to be...
what am i doing?...
November 2010
4 posts
you said you'd change
so can that be like…now? i don’t like waiting, never did & never will.
after our fights, there is always something a little off. i can’t hold on to what it is though. maybe it’s just me. maybe i’m crazy. maybe i’m the one that needs to change. i don’t even know, i feel like i’m the only one that sees things sometimes. i want everyone to...
too much of something is a bad thing.
i agree.
no where to spill my emotions to but here...
stop bitching at me because it only makes me hate you more. yes, i don’t want to say the word hate but thats all you’re spitting out on me. dad, start appreciating the things i do for you. i make one mistake and you haunt me with it. i do EVERYTHING that you want. i get good grades just for you, i stay home 24/7, i keep quiet and don’t argue, i act like i’m fine when you...
October 2010
10 posts
& dont worry about others, you’re the best.
i find myself asking you when i already know the...
you say you understand me
when you really dont.
you can’t even begin to feel what i feel. you don’t know what i think. sure you may know i’m mad, or i’m sad. but you dont specifically understand like you say you do. i’m not 5, in fact i’m 15. that might not be old but pretty soon i’ll be 16, then 17, then 18. what then? by doing the things you are doing and raising me the way you...
dear parents,
why do i have to be so perfect for you? i’m not so can you please get over it? i am. i don’t care honestly, i do want to make you guys happy but at times it’s too hard and i begin to not think about myself. yes i am a horrible daughter and i wish i weren’t for you so i am not such a disappointment to you, but i cannot help my wants. i want to be a teenager. i want to at...